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Friday, December 28th, 2007
12:30 am - After Christmas
I made it! I'm alive! Barely....

I think I have a nasty sinus infection though. oye.

The city is after me because I haven't filed my quarter 3 taxes, although I had NO BUSINESS ACTIVITIY, and they never sent me anything in the mail or otherwise telling me WHEN they were due, and I always file online and now my login shit online isn't working.

I hope this doesn't fuck up my credit.....the main taxes always get filed, these quarterly sales tax things are only applicable once a year, and I do it all with my income taxes. I wish they would just SEND ME A STATEMENT IN THE MAIL TELLING ME I NEED TO FILE "NO BUSINESS ACTIVITY" and WHEN. Instead I get nothing, I DID change my address, and then 2 months after they were due I get threatening phone calls. This actually happened with quarter 2 as well.

Whatever. This is boring shit.

Don't even go into my apartment anymore. It's scary. Don't know where I'm going to move.

Living alone in a studio sounds good, but shitty also. And expensive. Erics house is TOOO SMALL for anything.

Thinking about moving again just depresses me, makes me want to jump off a cliff onto a metal fence stake so I don't have to deal with it ever again.

Perhaps this comes from the fact that I am reading the Virgin Suicides currently though. Amazing book, gorgeously written by the way, only depressing to depressed people like myself.

Eric got me ghost world the movie (I did miss it!), and the original comic for christmas. Plus another book and a very expensive vintage suit that fits me wonderfully and a spa treatment.

It was a good christmas.

My mother got me massive amounts of "MADE IN CHINA" mail order shit, per usual.

My the best/worst item were the sunglasses with a AM/FM STEREO AND HEADPHONES BUILT IN TO THE ARMS!

They are hideous and rediculous, but would've been amazingly awesome in 1990 to use as you were breezing down the boardwalk in your sweet new roller blades. That shit would've been hip.

Now, it's bullshit.

She also got me a crappy 1 gig MP3 player/voice recorder that doesn't work with Macintosh's.

I avoided telling her I have my own new ipod now, courtesty of mein vater.

The voice recorder part would've been useful, but again, Macs can't work with Windows.

Way to go mom!

I hate that woman. She pouted all day because she only has a few presents to unwrap since I made her a bunch of (REALLY NICE) jewelry and put it all in one gift bag. Individual boxes, one bag.

She individually wrapped every pair of socks she gave me. So whatever.

I need to move far far away.

The cold is getting to me so much here. I desperately miss the warm California water and beach and sunshine.

One of my fillings is coming loose from last summer.


It is painful. I will prolly need another root canal, possinbly will lose a tooth on the other side too.

I dunno what the fuck is up, I have NO MOUTH PAIN, my dentist TELLS ME I HAVE A CAVITIY, then I GET IT FIXED, so it should be ALL BETTER FOR A LONG TIME, then after the fillings I can no longer chew on that side of my mouth, then I get a root canal, then I loose my tooth.

This is what happened last time at least. Maybe me teeth reject fillings.

Sonofabitch. I can't really chew on either side of my mouth anymore. It's miserable. I hate the dentist. Everything was supposed to be fixed last summer. After using all of my available insurance money, and then getting incredibly ill from them fucking up my mouth, it was supposed to be better. It's not.

I hate my life. Kill me now PLEASE. I'm probably going to die soon of some weird disease anyway.

Have to get my thyroid checked again in a couple months.

It's no longer stable anymore. If it checks out good this next time that'll be good. But the sting of the cold tells me it's crapping out again.

Anyway, I am going to go back to organizing my beads. I am on Erics computer, supposed to be figuring out my taxes.

I rarely get to use his computer because it's his life and his business and always on the verge of crashing with all the graphic design shit on it. He keeps meaning to buy more ram, but never does, and thus, generally won't let me touch the computer.

I HAVE to get my taxes in soon, i'll have to call them and figure this all out again. Sonofabitch. This sucks. Plus I have a $45 business licence renewal due by next week too, damnit! I hate money.

I need sunshine.....

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Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
3:17 pm
I am still alive.

No internet really. At work now.

Feel like shit, working too much (as usual)

Making some money now though, hoe IHIH goes WELLL!

Practically living with Eric, haven't even been IN my apartment in...who knows how long.


Got into a car accident, get a new paint job because of it though, other persons fault.

If I can stay alive through Christmas, I can probably stay alive through anything.

I want to do Lorelai....save the Jessie Beans money for recording? I hope so....I gotta go, oye...WORK!

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Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
7:45 pm
I've been learning to stand up for myself more lately.

Generally I just take people's BS and let it burn in a pit in my stomach until one day I break down and cry (usually in private).

NOT Anymore.

And I am not a bitch, I have just gone up to people and said "I feel like you're being mean to me all of the time, why is that?" or something non-threatening that will get some insight as to what is going on.

Or I just say; "What you're doing is not nice right now".

It has been very beneficial and helpful, and I have been getting some more respect because of it.

Blah, too much to do this week. Haven't seen the roomates in forever and I need to collect the rent checks! Grrrr....which means I'll have to write a HUGE note on the door and hope its on the fridge tomorrow...

Oh, I suppose I am staying in my apt tonight, so maybe we'll cross paths....blah....

Donna, our landlord is asking for the walkthrough sheet which Amanda and I never filled out.

She didn't do a walk through WITH us at all.....the previous tenant DID though, and I remember everything HE pointed out, plus some things I noticed, plus the landlord looked around I THINK before our stuff was here....oh, it might've been after we started loading shit in....or maybe it was just before frank stored his shit here for a month....sonofabitch.

God, this apartment has been a perpetual storage unit for people NOT living here since we moved in. It is unfunctionable, unliveable, unproductive. It's pissing me off.

I treat it as a storage space too.

I am thinking I should just GET a storage space, and live out of my car, which I basically have been doing. It would be cheaper at least. I shower at the gym a lot of the time, or at erics or my moms.

The bathroom in my apt is the best though...I like showering here, if nothing else. But I have removed my good products from this place so they can be used in my gypsy lifestyle. Oh well.

Halloween tomorrow...need to through together a last minute costume, damn.

Just passing out candy as far as i know.

Then the usual 60's thursday.

Then The Skys Gone Out show (gothville) Friday.

too much shit to do! AHHHH!!!

Rent is a bigger priority.

Anyway, time for me to hit the gym and burn off some steam.....blah

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Thursday, October 25th, 2007
8:09 pm - does it ever end?
I'm soooo tired. My body is falling apart.

Don't think my new thyroid hormone dosage is high enough, nothing is gettting better. Either that or i am just soooo exhausted from overworking myself that I am sleeping through everything anyway....

Nah, I do feel like shit. I Feel my body falling apart again.

It sucks when everthing starts shutting down. It really does. I hate my inability to get warm.

My body just literally can't get warm on it's own.

And then there is the wonderful phenomenon I have noticed at the gym, that while I am working out my heartrate will drop dramatically, down to 50 or 60 from like 160.....this has happened more than once on more than one machine, it MUST be my body doing something wacky. Who knows, I always feel fine when it drops though, no dizzyness or anything,actually I generally FEEL like my body is rejuvinated and I have been resting. Everytime my heartrate drops I feel like I can go on forever until it goes back up & then I feel tired. Who knows. It's weird though.


Laid back Mad Men Thursday tonight!

Gonna put on a dress and heels and eyeliner and call it good. Watching the season finale again, On Demand, at Aarons house.

I have already watched it On Demand twice at my moms, but it'll be a nice laid back evening.

Gotta love getting dressed up to watch t.v.! Haha.

My mom is begging to borrow money from me. I hate lending it to her, such an irresponsible woman.

I realized she has borrowed/stolen about $4000 from me since I've started working when I was 16.

Not to mention all of the ciagarette money she used from my college money and allowance growing up

Other than the college money hiding in my closet as a child, she HAS always paid me back.

So, might as well loan it to her for a couple weeks. Although part of me feels like I might just be supporting her pain pill habits, but ya never know....being "behind on bills" is rather vague.

One day I will cut ties with her, right now, she is there when I am in desperate need, so I should be there when she is in need.....even if she is a crazy stupid bitch.

Such is life.

My life is just too hard sometimes. One thing after another.

I am a good, hard working person.

Where the hell is my good karma going?

What am I doing wrong?

Who knows....but i'm not giving up YET...

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Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
9:03 pm
Still Alive.

Yoga Sore.


Lending mom $100 (she's sooo lame with money).

Dropped out of Nov. IHR.

Accepted to work with with GIRL Seattle.

Sealling are more, larger, shows, for less money with a better chance of MAKING money. Yay for GIRL Seattle!

Now need to make MORE stuff! Eeeek!

I have 5 weeks, with about 40 hours of work for jessie beans, plus working 50-60 hours weeks....AHHHH! And I like to go out with Eric, and I have no workspace. JOY!

That's o.k., I am superwoman. I am a desciple of Lorelai Gilmore, and SHE gets it all done! Then SOOO CAN I!

It just takes lots of coffee.

I really need some non-fictional role models...haha.

That's o.k., I AM Lorelai! And one day, I WILL be a non-fictional role model, right?

Eric is still talking Demo, the Lorelai Demo. Him producing. He is serious. And SOON! And I am time crunched and thinking AFTER CHRISTMAS! He is in record mode though, esp. with F&D doing stuff, and wants to get going with me too!


Well, we'll figure it all out. Damnitt, if only I got this shit done BEFORE Christmas......before slave labor season.....

When will I learn to say NO?!?!?

And I isn't Lorelai more important to me?

It IS. I am just so damn scared of failure that I distract myself with things that are exciting still, and less disappointing to fail at (like Jessie Beans).


Gotta bite the bullet. Lorelai is coming. 2008 will be her big year. OH yess. Be ready.



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Saturday, October 20th, 2007
10:09 pm - I MADE IT!
I'm still alive!


1 day off tomorrow...in which yoga class will happen once again...then back to another 60 hours work weeek.

Have been accepted into Girl Seattle, will be selling at TWO shows on nov. 24th (one at Christinas business school thing which is SUPER CHEAP and they made bank at last year), and my booth with Naomi at IHIH, which will be fun.

Might end up selling with GIRL Seattle at UCU too....haven't worked that out yet, I could go one way or the other. If it's cheap between everyone in the group, and I'm not the only one supporting an entire booth space, then why not?

We'll see. I am insane and do too much and I am exhausted and sometimes want to drive off a cliff so I can get some decent rest (in a grave or a hospital....).

But I am going alright, and I am getting stuff done and the most exhausting part of it all is living out of my car and not having a workspace. Trying to figure out a solution to this....nothing is coming really.

Haven't slept in my own apartment in about 3 weeks. Basically since the work-as-much-as-you-humanly-can thing started.

My life is so odd...will it ever get any easier? Will I ever just get a BREAK? The only thing I get that is close to a break is a disease. An illness. I work myself until I can't work anymore and am required to sleep in bed on medicaiton for a week straight....

It's not easy.

Good things will come to me soon, right? I must be building up some good karma here, might I ever live with someone that will listen to me and respect me? Where we can have good company and personal space? It's just been One bad situation after another for me.....

I fear this will one day cause me to end up utterly alone in my only-child-syndrome-withdrawn-ness. In a studio apartment, utilizing my excellent escapism techniques to ignore the fact that I am utterly alone....

Such is life.

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Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
10:35 am
So, it appears I do not have an official day off until Oct 21.

That is 21 days of working IN A ROW. Fuck, I am insane, and my thyroid is bad, and I might end up screwing myself over again, and why can't I just say "NO" to anyone? And I am in need of $$$$$, as is anyone, therfore turning down work = bad, but sacrificing my health and wellbeing = ALSO BAD, and fuckit I dunno, my life is INSANE, and goddamnit I need to make up for lost time and I gotta doitdoitdoit ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! ASAP before it's too late and my dreams and idealism go out the window and I am forced to work a job I hate because I need the insurance.

I hate being an artist sometimes. Son.of.a.bitch.

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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
3:52 pm - Addiction
So, I am officially addicted to Eric.

I've spent 6 nights in a row there, it's been awesome, yet exhausting. But it's been nice to escape the scent of dirty clothes and feet in my living room...bleh...however, I was going to stay at my moms one night, and was chillin over there watching a movie, and he called and was like "You can just come over here...", and I drove all the way from Bothell to see him! It was the night of our 6 monthaversary though, not that we had anything planned, but damn. I love that man.

The only problem is the not sleeping thing. We don't go to bed earlier than 2am EVER, generally more like 3 or 4.....dunno how the fuck we do it! I am usually falling asleep while Eric watches t.v.

We do sleep very well and deeply together though, it's nice. Don't want to get up in the morning!

Last night we went to 9lb and met up with Aaron and Wren, and then Steve Kim (my old bass teacher). Eric wanted Steve's advice on a part he was working on.

I was going to go to the Flaming Bitumen and meet Andrew, but I was soooo fucking tired last night, and I took a huge long shower and a nap and didn't get out until after 10, and it started at 9pm. So, oh well, I'll catch them next time.

We ended up at a table with 5 bass players in this bar (9lb Hammer), drinking and eating peanuts (me resisting this time though, because I am doing a toxin/colon cleanse), talking bass talk. It was pretty rad.

I sat kind of quietly, they were all older, knowledgeable men talking bass jargon.

It probably made me seem like an uninterested girl, but I was definitely intersted, just didn't know as much about bass models as them, so it was cool to listen to it. In 10 years I'm sure I'll be all up in the "Why are rickenbackers so popular when no one we have ever met likes the way the sound?", and "What's up with Gibson les paul basses", and "Why are fender jazz basses so damn fucking rediculously unaffordable-and what can you do to recreate them for less", and the awesome "We all love Fender P-basses, esp. vintage American (or Japanese made) ones".

Yeah, bass player geek talk. I am learning, I am 10 years younger at least than everyone there though, at least I have a lot of knowledgeable people to learn from!

Anyway, we woke up and went over to Steve Kims today, and Eric got advice on his part, and we got to see his rad studio set up, and it was nice. He got to play Steves 64 Fender Jazz Bass too, although it sounded really brassy when he was playing it, and I think his p-bass sounds better. Then we went and got coffee and might go swimming later.

I took a nap when I got home (I HAVE TODAY OFF!!! YEAH!!!), to make up for lost sleep.

Anyway, it's been fucking crazy lately!

I do wayyy too much shit! I taught a kick-ass screen printing/textile painting class last Sat., which got rave review, and it suddenly so popular we had to add another session in Oct, which is half full already.

A full class = me making $40 an hour! Only for 3 hours, but yeah, pretty sweet pay!

I am also getting teacher pay at Beadworld for assisting a birthday party this Sat! It's so nice not to be dirt poor for once! Although, I am fucking beat and working to the bone! I had a totally lax summer though, with lots of vacations and minimal working, so it's nice to be busy again!

And I have IHR AGAIN! EEEEEK!!!! Totally stoked, 2 weeks to get a bunch of new shit together! Ahhh! Well, it'll be fine, I ALWAYS make too much stuff.

Plus Eric and I started working on music again, which is going well, so so so well with his beautiful bass lines behind me. Still, a lot of my stuff sounds like I need drums though....but whatever, it's going.

Anyway, I am busy busy busy, doing so many things I've always wanted to do with my life all at once, being mucho productive.....doing wayyyy too much shit, but well, getting it done. SO yeah, it's crazy, but fun!

I'll make something of myself in this world.....

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Monday, September 17th, 2007
1:58 pm - Since when did I become a cool kid?
Man, yesterday ROCKED!

I LOVELOVELOVE DJing at IHR! Soooo fun and encouraging.....

I showed up and the awesome Naomi had her lion BEANS sitting with a gift for me at the DJ booth! Some wonderful estate sale pearls which will be awesome for 1960 Mad Men Dress Up Thursdays! Eeeeee, they were great!

And then the croc staff brought me a drink for not being a sucky DJ. I thought it was just orange juice, then I took a sip and it had bubbles, so I thought it was just some fancy sparkling juice (IHR had a IZZE sparkling juice promotion that day too, so sparkling juice was on my mind). And I was really thirsty so I drank it down really fast, and then all of the sudden it was like "WHAT!?!? I feel TIPSY!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Was there ALCOHOL IN THAT DRINK!?!?!?"

And then I looked at the menu and realized what it was-a mimosa. Champagne and juice or somthing....so yes, there was alcohol, although I couldn't taste it whatsoever. So I was almost drunk at like 1 o'clock in the afternoon, OOOOOPS.

Then I had their delicious Tofu from Heck, since the DJ gets a free meal from IHR, soooooo yummy.

And everyone always comes up and tells me how much they love what I am playing, and it just makes me soooo happy! This one girl insisted that I must get out there and promote myself and try to get a club gig, because she would totally come just to hear me play and there are a lot of places in desperate need of a DJ like me....

So, who knows......could be fun! But, the equipment isn't MINE, and as a club DJ, well, what if my boss tries to book me on my club nights, and what if I just say no, but he says he needs the equipment for someone else....such a risk.....

Some clubs HAVE the equipment, and you just bring the music. Most places are like the Croc, where you bring CD players and Mixer and use their amp and speakers.

Anyway, yeah, might be worth looking into......damn.

Anyway, it rocked! I always thought I had terrible taste in music....mostly because punk-rock-snobs like Joey would throw my disc man across the room when I played him things I was into. Apparently now the old shit-tac kids are HARDCORE into britpop, now that I am out of that crowd for the most part. So says Josh on the occassions I've talked to him.

Not only is Josh getting super into it, he told me he was thinking about moving to England at some point to live for a while. Something that I dreamed about doing for YEARS.....something those kids gave me shit for, my anglophile thing. Apparently, I just became a trend setter, hahahahaha. Not really. It's just weird to hear they're suddenly in love with a lot of things they gave me shit for loving for years. At least they understand now...

Anyway, DJing IHR is totally encouraging of my musical tastes. I don't know where naive, uneduacted, country music lover (there will ALWAYS be a place in my heart for country though) Jessica went? I used to be a musical/pop culture idiot, now I am a beloved DJ? Well, strange how that works.

So weird all how all of things that made you dorky before are suddenly the things that make you cool.

After DJing IHR, I drove home, and saw the Bridge Motel still had some action going on over there (apparently the party of the year, I went and looked at outside the night of), and then I went over there to check it out more now that it was less crowded.

A lot of the rooms were open, so I could just go inside, the old hotel manager and property manager were there cleaning up the mess from the night before.

I started talking to this guy Rob in a Bukowski t-shirt, who was a DJ/artist at the party the night before and who was staying in the room that his art was in. Apparently all of the artists have the chance to keep their art up there, and sleep in their room.

So I just sort of hung out there for a while, talked to Rob about music and DJing. He had a great collection of 45s, and he showed me his "art", which he had clips from his old cable-access show of short films playing the night before. Then his frinds came over, apparently it was his birthday, and we all just chilled out. The property manager opened up one of the rooms upstairs for us to see, since no one actually got to go up there, there were too many ppl.

Someone actually cut open the roof of this room on the second story of this motel, covered the floor in sand, and set up a camp fire in the room of the hotel for the party! How nuts! It looked really cool though. It was one of those metal bowl things (looks like a big metal martini glass), that had the fire in it, and that was on cinder blocks, so the place didn't burn down.

Yeah, so I just chilled out with a bunch of bohemians in an abandoned hotel for a while, listening to records and whatnot. It was cool.

Then Eric called, and his band practice was cancelled, and he was full of creative musical energy and asked me over to do music/recording.

So we got together, and rehearsed some of my songs. His bass lines are SOOOO wonderful, good lawd! I am soo happy to have him play with me! Except I DO write songs more for a band, and there are always parts that kind of beg for drums...DAMNITT! But, we'll see what happens. It was fun though! He definitely adds great parts to my songs, which is encouraging and got me more reenergized with the entire process again.

So yesterday was a rather fun, creative, adventurous and productive day!

Anyway, I have to go to work tonight, and I need to shower and get ready to go! Blah! Can't wait till Wednesday, my day off!

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Saturday, September 15th, 2007
9:47 pm - The Bridge Motel
Apparently it's closing, and they are having a huge-ass art blowout at it tonight.

It is RIGHT next door to me, like, I can see it from my window as I write this. The lines are hugs and there is a TON of alcohol, as you can tell by the red cups, but the lines are HUGE and I am this. Apparently there are exhibits in all of the rooms. Would go and try and get INSIDE (looked around outside), but I am tooo tired to deal with it, and have to get my other shit done.

The Motel Project:
"The Bridge Motel on Aurora is seedy and haunted, with needles in the sheets, a stream of suspicious characters, a history of murder. It’s being torn down this month, the residents have moved out, but, for one night, it will become a playground for inventive artists like Paul Rucker, PDL, Jack Daws, Implied Violence, dk pan, and over a dozen more. There will be food, installations, performances, music, and motel furniture in the parking lot, which will become the lounge. It’s going to be weird and great." (Brendan Kiley)

Sat Sept 15 at 5 pm
Bridge Motel
3650 Bridge Way N
Seattle (Fremont)

Apparently there is no street parking, and ppl in my building with no garage space are pissed.

Kinda cool, kinda annoying.

Lights go out for good on the Bridge Motel at midnight.

Might have to go check it out and break in once it's compeletely abandoned before they tear it down, like us shit-tac kids did with the Airport Motel. Fun times.

They say they are going to put up 1 million dollar town houses there instead, sad. I kinda liked that motel, driving by it all the time. Oh well, shit happens. I gotta go to Erics tonight to gather more IHR music 'cause I am DJING there tomorrow! Yay! To be away from this chaos will be nice....I am too tired to enjoy it tonight. I want PEACE, not hundreds of drunks outside my window, watching me watching them from my window, who prolly saw me walking around in my bra earlier, before I realized there were 800 ppl outside. Damn.

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Friday, September 7th, 2007
11:15 pm - Weird looking girls....
Hmmmm.....so it has occured to me that I must be one of those girls that is attractive in a weird sort of way.

Mainly I am realizing this because ALL the guys that like me, seem to like these weird looking girls!

It seems that when I am talking to guys I am dating, or with guys that have had crushes on me, and I see pics of their exes or they point out other girls they find attractive that are around us, they are ALWAYS either shitty looking, or pretty in some unique/weird way.....not traditionally gorgeous.

Plus, every time I point out some hot girl going by, often a girl that is more traditonally beautiful, they're always just like "Yeah, she's o.k.", then they'll point out some girl with greasy hair and zits and fawn on how cute she is....


It always throws me off. It's kind of like "WHAT!?!?! You could do better than HER!!!!"

Then I think "wait, am I getting roped in with this type of girl? If they find her attractive and ME attractive, am I actually perceived as some weird greasy looking girl?".

I guess I kind of am now.....don't wear makeup much, and am generally slobbed in oversized pants, a t-shirt and hooodie. Then I glam out and become movie-star Jessica every so often, but most of the time I am plain-jane-jessica nowadays.

The other weird things is that the past two guys I've dated have said they like zits on girls, they think zits are cute (not terrible acne, just some zits).

I RARELY get zits though....I have rather flawless skin most of the time, so not having them must be attractive to them as well. I prefer NOT having them, but at least I don't have to feel pressure to conceal them when I DO break out.

I dunno, it's just strange....I always thought of myself as a WEIRD girl, but not a WEIRD LOOKING girl, but I guess I must be in some way.....

Well, to each his own. At least there are plenty of guys around that think being plain and greasy is adorable. At least I don't always have to feel the need to be glammed up now, like I did in HS. There is hope for all woman kind yet!

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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
2:25 am - Productive!
Today ROCKED!!!!

It was nice to have a day off in the middle of the week!

Last night I went to Bleachers (the only bar close to Heather and I with Darts) and played darts with Heather and Eric.

Then I slept till NOON! And caught up on my sleep.

Then I ran errands and got shit done.

Then I ran around greenlake TWICE (about 6 miles total, I usually only go around once) and did some yoga afterward and enjoyed the sunshine while it was here!

Then I came home and the apartment was CLEAN! Amanda and Orlando cleaned it and moved Orlando's boxes to a place other than the middle of the room.

So I did FURTHER CLEANING, and scrubbed the shower, toilet, sink, vacuumed, finished the dishes etc....

Then I posted all of my pics from Chicago online.

And now I am here, doing this, wondering if I should go to bed, or complete something else from my list......

We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, it was nice to have a GET SHIT DONE DAY, still need to work on MY ROOM, which is nuts from vacations and the yard sale and never sleeping there. THere are clothes all over and stuff rummaged through and whatnot, and I can't beleive I've let it go so long, but since I have been sleeping at Erics 5 nights a week, well, I haven't been LIVING in it myself. So yeah, me at home=CLEANING TIME!

Also need to practice guitar more, although I've been trying to record at Erics, it's going o.k.,will get better I hope. Mostly it's me being moody and weird about it.....recording does WEIRD things to people. He even got weird when he was recording basic song idea's to show the rest of the band for the next F&D album, and that was just basic stuff. It just DOES something to a person.....

Anyway, I have so much to do! I signed up for Oct I HEART RUMMAGE!!! JESSIE BEANS IS BACK!

gotta get some new stuff made, and maybe come up with a better booth display. I signed up for I HEART INDIE HOLIDAYS too, and that is a 10X10 booth, and I need to come up with display ideas! CHEAP display idea's for that much space! Never had that much before, but I can easily fill it, just gotta make it look good too!

All I am doing is IHR and IHIH this year, 4 shows, easy to manage, no excess of stress, and still able to work on recording and playing my first show! Which can't really happen until I get a demo together....blah.

Anyway, always so much to do, never know what to do first.....at least today I got stuff done!

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Saturday, August 25th, 2007
9:58 pm - Soo it goes...
I have been having extreme anxiety about the next 10 years of my life lately.

It's kind of making me want to just go kill myself right now.

The bead store is an pretty cool job, I liked PF better as a job, more duties and responsibilies and creative tasks, plus the store is nicer (and has a properly working sink/toilet) but the people at Beadworld are great, and the pay is better and the discount ROCKS! So, I'll live.

Nikki (owner) said most people average 25 hours a week outside of x-mas/inventory (basically nov-feb), but there are always opportunities to take more shifts/stay extra and stuff. There are no technical breaks, so lunch doesn't get taken out of your paycheck either, so there's more money, but I'll see what my paychecks are like and I can get more hours if I need them.

Nikki is really cool, she said "Let me know how that works for you! I want you to be able to eat!". So, we'll see what happens.

The other thing is that there is no insurance benefits there, no suprise at all, and I don't need them now. But in less than 3 years I will be ON MY OWN for medical insurance.

Which means I will either A.) Need to get signed and record an album so I can get it through BMI (apparently that's how Eric does) b.) Get another corporate fulltime job like Nordstroms with benefits and sell my soul C.) Get Married to someone who can let me mooch of their medical insurance.

Option B.) is the most likely to happen, although option A.) would be optimal, and option C.), well, who knows what the fuck is going to happen with that shit.

All I know is that I have to have my shit together by the time I am 25 or I am going to end up with thousands of dollars worth of medical bills because I get sick all the time and have no insurance coverage. Grrrr. I can't ever go without it.

Isn't there some insurance option for students too though? I DEFINITELY want to go back to school sometime, I can't actually GET financial aid until I am 25 though, meaning full time school=no full time work. Unless I want to wear myself out! I could do it, I'm sure, but man..... Maybe I should just start saving every penny again to go off and get a BA somewhere. Damnitt!

Sooo much shit I wanna do with my life, being poor sucks. Once my dad stops paying alimony to my mom he'd prolly help me out with school again, but INSURANCE!!!!

I feel like my life is going to be ruined because I HAVE TO HAVE INSURANCE!.

I have to have it, thus if the only way of getting it is with a full time job, then that's kind of where I will be stuck for a long long time. I guess school PART TIME could work?

There must be some sort of student insurance, it would at least be cheaper.....

Fuck, I dunno. We'll see what happens, I am just realizing I won't be able to work these fun little jobs forever, and I need to think about saving money for this other shit I wanna do with my life! Buying a car comes NEXT, mine doesn't have much life left in it.....Blah, being an adult is stupid.

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Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
2:49 am
I'm back from my road trip to California/LA.

Pretty much only saw the inside of the car, hotel rooms, and Denny's the entire trip.

Did go swimming in the ocean instead of going to Disneyland, that was fun.

Been exhausted since I got back.

I miss the sunshine.

Started at beadworld, it's a nice group of people to work with.

I'm depressed likely due to PMS.

I need to sleep.

In LA, everyone pretends to be a celebrity.

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
9:45 pm - Blood diseases...
Hmmmm...I'm kind of paranoid about having a blood disorder right now.

I have been bruising LIKE CRAZY lately.
Plus I have been getting those little red blood spots on me everywhere. I used to get them on my face only, now I get them on my arms, my legs, my face. They usually go away in a few days and I forget about them, but now I am curious......

I was thinking it was just anemia, but they say anemia isn't actually a cause of bruising, so I dunno what it could be.

Apparently there is some autoimmune blood disease, and I am already the owner of 2 other autoimmune diseases, and they tend to run in packs, so I am wondering is one is poppping out of the wood work....

Not to mention my immune system has been weak for a long long time.

I've pretty much had an illness or infection ever month since Jan, something keeps going wrong! I can't even recover from simple dental prodecures, my gums bleed like crazy ( I thought it was because of not flossing often enough...maybe not), and who knows.

And the weight loss, it's falling off of me. I haven't weighed 110 since I was like, 11 or 12. I thought it was because I was eating healthier, and getting some excercize in here and there, and my thyroid might be working better.... but losing 20 pounds in a few months without trying is kind of extreme now that I think about it.

Sonofabitch, I am totally paranoid! I don't really feel weak or fatigued when I am not sick though, so maybe, fuck, who knows.......

All I know is I am constantly blue and purple and red spotted all over, it's not getting better, I am taking care of myself, and it's starting to concern me. I scratched my leg for two seconds and got a bruise on it! That is NOT normal....bleh. Stupid...

I don't even have a doctor any more to run to do a blood test....maybe I should worry about it. Still, every time I am in the shower looking at my black and blue body, I can't help wondering.....

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Monday, August 6th, 2007
7:50 pm
So, for so long in my life I was convinced a novel should be written with a story or character you had in mind, and then researched greatly and then written.

I always wanted to write a novel, but wasn't sure if I could go and do the research to acuratley describe and era of anything, really. I mean, I COULD, but perhaps I would get bored with the research and start fabricating even more things that were incongruent with other events I had been describing in the book.

Therefore, i was always convinced writing a novel would be to much of a big deal, and a challenge, and that I didn't really have anything to write about anyway.

HOWEVER, for the past year I have pretty much soley read non-fiction, and memoirs, and novels based on peoples lives.

I am coming to realize that a great many novels are based upon the authors life, and their character, and they just change their name and greatly embellish upon the storyline to make it more interesting.

THAT I could do. I could do that 10 times over. A la Jack Kerouac.

It just seemed sooo....easy to do something like. Like, why would anyone publish an embellished version of my life where I dream up some happy ending? It seemed like bullshit, like more should go into than that, you know?

Well, this was the misapprehension I had been labouring over in my younger years. But no, I really could just put JESSICAX10 into a novel. Someone would read it, I am weird enough. The adventures and misadventures of a overly artsy-weird girl, whose obsessed with glitter and music, finding her way in the world. Perhaps that would be more of an adolscent book, but I'd be o.k. with that.

I also had the idea of writing a book where the main character is a DJ who solves mysteries related to the various events and locations she is at playing music for. YOu see, a DJ gets unlimited access to exlusive places, it never ceases to amaze of the places I can get into by just saying "I'm the DJ", and SHIZAM, I am in! I am backstage, behind the scenes, and no one ever questions it. Employees only? Well, I am WORKING AN EVENT, thus, I get to go back. And I get delicious free catered food all the time as well. Those could be some fun adventure/mystery novels filled with random pop culture and music references.

Anyway, writing, one of my many ambitions....MUSIC FIRST! Then I'll go on and write the book, whatever it is, that is brewing inside of me. I've always been a writer, I was destined to be a writer. No way around it, look at my LJ entries (which are a lot shorter now, since I have taken to writing excessive e-mails to Eric, since he actually reads every one of them, whereas my blogs might go eternally ignored), but you know. I write A LOT, because I gotta get this shit OU-OU-OUUUUTTT!

Anyway, that was just a thought. Gotta try it all someday, hope I live long enough to do soo....

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3:32 pm - Great...
They said they would send a check and a copy of the mail, but AMANDA AND I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING OUR MAIL!!!!!!!!!!

I was expecting important mail from many places, and called them all, they all said they sent it, it should be here by now.

Our mailbox has been COMPLETELY EMPTY for about 2 weeks now....no junk mail even. We usually get it every day.

We are BOTH expecting things, and getting NOTHING.

SO who knows if I'll even get my refund. FUCK! This sucks....

Amanda called the post office and they said they know we are here, our address is correct, there was no mail on hold for either of us, it should be coming FINE. Who knows.....Some of my mail still goes to my moms though.

Sonofabitch, I dunno.....I am ANNOYED THOUGH!!!!!!

We called everyone, the landlord said no one else has complained. WHAT IS GOING ON!!?!? WHERE IS OUR MAIL GOING? Why would anyone steal it?

The MAIL MYSTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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3:32 pm - Great...
They said they would send a check and a copy of the mail, but AMANDA AND I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING OUR MAIL!!!!!!!!!!

I was expecting important mail from many places, and called them all, they all said they sent it, it should be here by now.

Our mailbox has been COMPLETELY EMPTY for about 2 weeks now....no junk mail even. We usually get it every day.

We are BOTH expecting things, and getting NOTHING.

SO who knows if I'll even get my refund. FUCK! This sucks....

Amanda called the post office and they said they know we are here, our address is correct, there was no mail on hold for either of us, it should be coming FINE. Who knows.....Some of my mail still goes to my moms though.

Sonofabitch, I dunno.....I am ANNOYED THOUGH!!!!!!

We called everyone, the landlord said no one else has complained. WHAT IS GOING ON!!?!? WHERE IS OUR MAIL GOING? Why would anyone steal it?

The MAIL MYSTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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O.k., So Amanda and I haven't been getting mail....

We have both been expecting mail, getting NOTHING.

I e-mailed the landlord, and she said no one else has complained to her.

But we never got our electric bill in the mail, so she said to call the utilities (still, we have gotten NO MAIL).

On the electric bill, it was supposed to say that whether I my "auto pay" had processed and that I was signed up for that, right? So it's automatically taken out of my account.


So I went online before I went out of town, saw that we owed $53.00, with no indication that it was on auto pay, so I paid it.

The next day, they automatically CHARGED ME THE $53 AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I gotta call them up now, and get that refunded, bcause that sucks. Grrrr...

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Friday, August 3rd, 2007
11:00 pm - SLEEPY!
Chicago has exhausted me! I have a blister on the bottom of my foot, but I love walking EVERYWHERE, me and my dad are walkers. Miles and miles a day....

I think one day I am going to become a modern/contemporary artist. Only by then it will be post-modern-contemporary art or somthing.....

Anyway, I love to paint, and well, and if painting a canvas solid blue is genius, I think I can do even better than that. For the hell of it. Fuck art school, I am JESSIE BEANS.

I am also, a deciple of Tao Jones, the original nail polish artist, whom I'm sure will be featured in a gallery someday.....his apartment has something like 300 peices in it, covering the entire thing, they have to leave SOME TIME. I have some peices of his, I bet they will be worth money someday....I miss BOB! AHHH!

How do you call someone up that you haven't talked to in a couple years, who was part of your not so pleasant past (although was the main positive thing from it)....? I dunno, Bob.....he could be dead for all I know. Doubt it, it would've been a freak yoga/hiking accident that did him in. He'll live to be 100, I bet.....

Anyway, Chicago is great. Can hear Lollapalooza from my hotel room.

And I am SLLEEEEPY and need to get up early to see more more more of this HUGE city before I leave for the airport tomorrow! Eeeee! XO-jess

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